Jim Jones - Fmr. Obama National Security Advisor
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Amanpour: the middle east is falling into total chaos
Audience: well that’s new
Amanpour: some idiot burned a Koran so people attacked a UN post in Afghanistan
Reporter: 6 US soldiers were killed in a vicious firefight on the Pakistan border
Reporter: this is a turning point in the war
Audience: problem solved
Amanpour: this moron pastor in Florida is affecting US foreign policy
Reporter: because of this guy people are shouting ‘Death to President Obama
Amanpour: that’s odd because I heard Obama was a muslim who will impose sharia law
Reporter: it’s complicated
Amanpour: the rebels got killed by friendly fire
Rebels: Han shot first!
Reporter: Tripoli is very normal today - the rebels are disorganized and Qadaffi
Marquadt: the rebels have no leaders - just a princess, and old man and kid from Tatooine
Audience: and 2 droids
Reporter: that’s not going cut it
Amanpour: General Jones how is America’s longest war going?
Jones: it’s all being disrupted by one wackjob pastor from Florida
Amanpour: when do we win?
Jones: some time next summer or possibly 2014
Amanpour: depending on what?
Jones: on who you define victory
Amanpour: I see
Jones: seriously though - it all really depends on whether Pakistan is willing to go after al-qaeda which they never have done before
Amanpour: that seems like a problem
Jones: it is
Amanpour: America is also involved in a civil war in Libya
Jones: the French need our help to prevent illegal Arab immigrants from getting to Cannes
Amanpour: America is out and NATO is in - but NATO is all-American
Jones: no the US are refueling while the British and French lead the attack
Amanpour: what is the endgame?
Jones: we need Qaddafi to stay because those rebels are untrustworthy
Amanpour: who are the rebels - who are they??
Jones: we know there’s one guy named Fred
Jones: now we need to find out who the rest of the rebels are
Amanpour: it’s very troubling that we don’t know who they are and what their aspirations are and if they have Facebook likes
Jones: we tried poking Fred
Amanpour: what about our favorite dictator in Yemen?
Jones: it’s very worrisome because he hates al-qaeda like we do
Amanpour: can we keep him in power?
Jones: Sadly those pesky people in Yemen have other ideas
Amanpour: that’s a shame
Jones: all this democracy nonsense is a vast tectonic shift
[ break ]
Amanpour: The tea party may force John Boehner to shut the government down
Boehner: we can’t just impose our will [sobs]
Tea Partier: take of the lace panties noodlebat
USAID: the cuts would kill 70,000 kids
Dean: let a shutdow happen and blame the GOP yeeeaaahh
[ break ]
Amanpour: will you guys make a deal?
Sessions: since ignoring the debt under Reagan, Bush I and Bush Jr we have to cut the debt right now!
Schumer: fuck the debt - we need jobs
Session: but the deficit causes recession oh mah stahrs
Schumer: we should not cut cancer research instead we should cut some of those damm farm subsidies
Sessions: Obama is only adding 100,000 jobs - clearly we need to cut the debt right now
Amanpour: so you say
Sessions: we have to cut $800 billion - did you know we have to borrow all this money?!?
Amanpour: wow was this true when Reagan, Bush and Dubya were President
Amanpour: Jeff are the Tea Parties going to destroy America?
Sess: no they are very mature lunatics
Amanpour: you’re not worried
Sessions: the Democrat debt will cause the shutdown of all social programs in 2 years
Schumer: I feel sorry for the Republicans because the Tea Party are all freaks and crazies
Amanpour: Chuck you called the tea party extreme!
Schumer: you’re damm fucking right I did
Sessions: the Tea Party may not be the fastest cars on blocks but they are fundamentally right about everything
Amanpour: like what
Sessions: Obama really is a black democrat!
Amanpour: thanks for coming guys