Saturday, May 31, 2008

Democratic Party Rules Committee Meeting - May 31, 2008

DNC Rules Meeting
Subject: Florida and Michigan
Washington, DC
May 31, 2008

Alice Huff: i know this is against the rules but rules were made to be broken - and I know this could cause problems in 2012 but by then i could be dead

Other person: Rules are rules and rules must be followed or they're not rules

Other other person: this won't pass and that saddens me because we a party of inclusion

[ yay!! ]

Germond: When we wrote the rules we made sure they had meat and beef and force - dammit these were beauty contests and that tough because Hillary is attractive but Obama is handsome too

Germond: we believe in rules and to ignore the rules to be like George W. Bush!

[ ooooooh ]

Ickes: i wrote these fuckin' rules and even i don't what the fuck is going on - except that damm young black man is p0wng me

Pasquil: Rules are rules except when they are not rules

Herman: vote carries by 2/3 !!!

psych! just the vote to close debate

[ ooooooh ]

Herman: all in favor


Herman: where was all this enthusiasm in 2000 goddamit?

Herman: all opposed say Boooooo


Herman: quiet please!


Herman: what the fuck are those weirdos saying?

Wolf: they are saying “Denver” -- apparently there are many Bronco fans here

Black Guy: in light of Obama's awesomeness i move that each pledged delegate can only cast 3/5 of a vote and in addition each delegate shall be made to wear a dashiki or a pink pantsuit at all times on the floor of the convention

Huff: you sneaky motherfucker!!!

Huff: what this party needs is unity


Huff: you are about to the best of this party in action

[ cue porno music ]

Huff: hey protestors shut the goddam fuck up and act like grownups instead of little kids


Ickes: i'll take half a loaf

Herman: gee i wonder if this was planned in advance

Ickes: hey i wore my 'regular guy' shirt

Herman: all in favor of Unity 08 Compromise clap your hands and say yeah

[ YEAH !! ]

Herman: seems unanimous to me

Michigan delegate: i move Michigan gets divided - hillary gets the palm and Obama gets the fingers and thumb

Fowler: my first choice was hillary clinton and i know harold ickes and i love him and that night was very special but i must move back in with my wife

Ickes: this is not my day dammitt

Ickes: we find this body's support for hillary clinton's former position inexplicable

Herman: uh huh

Ickes: this will hijack delegates just like a terrorist and this body is just a bunch of fascists and stealing votes from 600,000 - that's not democracy

Herman: no democracy is an election where only one person is on the ballot

Ickes: you bet your sweet ass


Ickes: yeah you bet your ass the election was fucking flawed

Dawson: watch your language motherfucker

Ickes: you want a piece of me shitface?

Dawson: right now dickwad

Ickes: Hijacker!!

Fowler: i love that man

Ickes: fuck your fucking unity and shove it up your goddamm fucking ass

[ YAYYYYYY!!!!!! ]

Ickys: oh by they way if Hillary doesn't win she won't abide by your decision

Member: holy crap that guy really is a dick isn't he

Protestor: what about Iowa???

Counter-Protestor: shut up!!

Protestor: you shut up!!

[tv audience: ]

[yep this sounds like the Democratic party i know and love ]

Black Guy: Fuck harold ickes and his shitty selective amnesia and i hope he takes his lying ass back to political oblivion

Smith: i had my hand up!

Chair: didn't you see you white lady

Smith: fuck you fat man

Smith: i've been a democrat all my life by i just discovered that we have to support all the delegates in Michigan it makes me very very sad

Chair: thank you for your concern

Chair: motion carries


Chair: please please please


Chair: watch me looney


Chair: and now on to new business - all in favor of cold cuts and fruit salad at the next meeting vote yeah

Monday, May 26, 2008


Vast cracks appear in Arctic ice

By David Shukman
Environment correspondent, BBC News

Dramatic evidence of the break-up of the Arctic ice-cap has emerged from research during an expedition by the Canadian military.

Scientists travelling with the troops found major new fractures during an assessment of the state of giant ice shelves in Canada's far north.

The team found a network of cracks that stretched for more than 10 miles (16km) on Ward Hunt, the area's largest shelf.

The fate of the vast ice blocks is seen as a key indicator of climate change.
For Memorial Day, Black Entertainment TV is showing a "Diffr'nt Strokes" marathon.

Make of that what you will.


Just a few months ago...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - May 25, 2008

Meet The Press
Tim Russert and Assorted D.C. pundits
MoDo, Parson Meachem, Doris Footnote Goodwin, Xian Brody, Gwen Ifill
May 25, 2008

Russert: omg Hillary hopes Obama get killed!!

Goodwin: in her defense her analogy was completely wrong plus its clear her people have been hoping he blows up with another revelation like a crazy Reverend or a black child

Dowd: indeed they are hoping something terrible happens to him

Ifill: I fear it all the time so yeah it was disturbing

Meachem: you can't go wrong with good "meaning of is is" joke

Panel: HA HA HA HA

Meachem: she is hoping disaster befalls the nominee

Russert: you gotta have hope

Parson Jon: she is Reagan in '76

Timmy: Obama could be within 12 delegates in a week

Brody: he's got two opposition research teams attacking him at once

Russert: but he hasn't been vetted yet

Brody: right

Timmy: has she earned the right to be V.P.??

Marcus: yeah talking about Bobby's assassination is just the way to earn the invitation

Question: is Bill Clinton a pain in the ass?

Obama: that's not what i heard

Audience: ha ha ha

Obama: look i'm a pragmatist and Doris Goodwin plagiarized a good book called 'Team of Rivals' about Lincoln and even though he was named Abraham he took some non-jews in his cabinet so I might take some non-muslims

Goodwin: good idea you want the enemies pissing out as LBJ would say

Russert: Maureen is it all sexism??

Dowd: pure Poppy Cock

Russert: What does George Herbert Walker Bush have to do with this?

Dowd: she also resorts to sexism when she fails - she's like a prettier Al Sharpton

Russert: did she lose because of sexism?

Marcus: she was playful and tough and won't be the nominee because ran a bad campaign

Brody: now that she has lost to play the sexism card is whiny

Ifill: sexist!!!

Goodwin: resentment and victimhood looks bad for a woman who has accomplished so much

Russert: which is it - is she more electable than Obama or a victim of national rampant national sexism?

Meachem: god go with her

Tim: what the fuck parson Jon?

Meachem: i am not a racist or sexist i just happen to always vote for white men

Brody: this race ended in Iowa

Russert: wow

Brody: they blew it with the caucuses

Tim: that's not sexism its competence

Dowd: they helped write the rules and they still blew tens of millions of dollars

Ifill: the black voters were originally with her too

Tim: can a black man win the presnit

Meacham: in theory yes - in reality no

Tim: what the fuck does that mean parson

Jon: Obama scores on the race resentment index

Tim: what's that

Meachem: the Scary Black Man Score

Ifill: hell i'm queasy too

Parson Jon: this is why McCain is still doing well after all he is a real American

Ifill: we have to talk about race in America

Meachem: we have an Open Letter to Obama from Harold Ford about how to win over voters

Tim: didn't he lose?

Meachem: that's what makes him so perfect for Newsweek

Ifill: what about McCain

Meachem: he's a Saint

Goodwin: people don't even know his momma was white

Tim: they think he's a muslim!!!

Brody: Obama is having Family Faith outreach discussion it's about family

Tim: what is that code for?

Brody: christian law

Marcus: he's all about faith McCain is an atheist

Tim: which faith the muslim or the other one?

Marcus: both

Tim: but McCain is reaching out the family values crowd by seeking the endorsement of neo-Nazis

Dowd: yeah you can bash Catholics but not embrace Hitler

Brody: well he's in trouble now Hitler is very popular with the Republican base

Tim: will McCain pick Bobby Jindal

Ifill: give me a fucking break we have nothing to report on this summer what else would be do

Tim: spend time with our families?

Panel: Ha Ha Ha Ha

Meachem: speaking of Henry II....

Tim: shut up you pretentious twit

McCain: i was a POW!!

Goodwin: hey Lincoln and FDR were not soldiers either

McCain: will not use my opponents youth and inexperience against him

Obama: fuck that shit

Dowd: McCain has a problem he's a fucking jerk

Brody: he can't be commander in chief because of Rezco and Jeremiah Wright

Ifill: Response: McBush!!

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - May 25, 2008

This Week With George Stephanopoulos
May 25, 2008
Guest: David Axelrod

Stephanopoulos: dave you know that Hillary wasn't really saying Clinton wasn't hoping that Obama be assassinated right dood

AxelRod: yeah but even she admitted it was pretty bad

Steph: yeah but you loved stirring this pot

AxelRod: let's move on we've gotten enough mileage out of it

Steph: Hillary says today she has lost the math but is still better than Obama

AxelRod: yeah she also counts phantom votes from Michigan

Steph: she says he is more popular than he is

AxelRod: well this isn't American Idol -- after all the wrong guy won that too

Steph: Mich and Florida are two of our more fucked up states

AxelRod: indeed they are - but we have to throw the crazies a bone

Steph: when do you wrap this up?

AxelRod: either June or September

Steph: she says she is better than you nationally

AxelRod: not true - look at Virginia or California or Ohio

Steph: 25% of Democrats hate you

AxelRod: McCain doesn't even have an opponent and he can't win 70% - it's sad

Steph: you lost Kentucky and West Virginia

AxelRod: that's ok Obama is going to run with that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance -- that will put us over the top

Steph: wow big news

AxelRod: ding ding ding ding ding....

Steph: Feinstein says you should run with Hillary

AxelRod: nope - we have women who know about the high price of milk

Steph: Got Milk?


Steph: Hillary fans will stay home cause Obama is sexist

A-Rod: well I hope they are happy when Roe v Wade is overturned

Steph: McCain says Obama should get a drivers license before he becomes president

A-Rod: this coming from a guy whose family won't let him drive the family car

Steph: why, too old?

A-Rod: no the jangling keys scare him

[ break ]

Steph: hello Karl and congrats for staying out of prison

Karl Rove: McCain is old but Obama is about change

Steph: play concern troll for me

Rove: Obama is a hypocrite he should spend the summer working with Republicans passing legislation

Steph: that's ridiculous why would the GOP give him legislation in middle of 2008

Rove: ok let him put a Republican on the ticket

Steph: you're full of great ideas

Steph: what about McCain?

Rove: he has to be the change and reform candidate

Steph: Huggy Bear???

Rove: he must fake it like my wife does

Steph: he's screwed isn't he?

Rove: no he must authentically play the fear and race card

Steph: even Mike Murphy told McCain to stop acting like an jerk

Rove: that's Nagourney he's an asshole

Steph: what else does he need to do

Rove: get 4 decades younger

Steph: the GOP is toxic and radioactive

Rove: these things wax and wane but people are basically conservative

Steph: they just hate karl rove and george bush

Rove: eeeeeek

Steph: you're losing seats left and right

Rove: true but lets put this in context we only lost because the Dems pointed out that the GOP is totally corrupt not that our ideas are bad

Steph: this is all your fault isn't it?

Rove: our hopes lie with John Boehner

Steph: omg you are truly fucked

Rove: hey i won my elections - fuck the younger generation

Steph: you conspired to put Don Siegelman in prison and now they are going after you piggy

Rove: oh c'mon all the people accused of crimes have denied it

Steph: that's not persuasive

Rove: well how about I argue separation of powers applies here

Steph: that allows you to commit crimes?

Rove: we offered to meet with Congress in secret and sadly they said no

Steph: ok tell me the truth about Don Siegelman

Rove: i learned that he was convicted from the newspaper

Steph: so you are not denying you broke the law, ruined the Justice department, and put innocent people in prison

Rove: who me?

Steph: yeah, dipshit you

Rove: well then no

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Daily Show with John Stewart - Guest: Douglas Feith - May 12, 2008

The Daily Show with John Stewart
Guest: Douglas Feith
May 12, 2008

Stewart: did you lie to kill 4,000 Americans

Feith: no I am very stupid but not a liar

Stewart: oh ok

Feith: true invading Iraq was very risky

Stewart: ah you also lied about how safe it was going to be

Feith: no you're forgetting how stupid i am - see I also was dumb about all that too

Stewart: you seem really, really stupid

Feith: not just me - Rumsfeld and Bush too

Feith: looking back i admit we were wrong about one thing - saying Iraq had WMD and that we would be greeted as liberators

Stewart: now that sounds like lying and deception to sell a product and killing people

Feith: oh sure you remember we tried to sell the war because it went really badly - but if the war had gone well i would be writing a book right now reminding people that we were really against the war

Stewart: all due respect Stupid i think i remember you guys selling this war like it was the Superbowl with blowjobs and orgasms

Feith: now that sounds fun - do you want a job

Stewart: c'mon didn't you sell this war with a pack of lies

Feith: well sure looking back we told lies but the lies were only clear in hindsight

Stewart: i don't believe you just fucked up

Feith: no no no - i disagree i believe this administration is mostly morons

Stewart: really?

Feith: The Bush administration is like Wagner -- it's better than it sounds

Stewart: but not as much fun to be around

Feith: that's why i wrote the book - to get my revisionst lies out there

Stewart: good luck with that dumbass

Feith: George Bush is like me and my golden retriever - dumb but loyal

Stewart: you guys totally invented the Iraq threat and mobilized this country for war with great effort

Feith: oh you're just assuming we wanted war

Stewart: i am - but in this case you had to work had to make a case for war

Feith: no you must understand - we don't *think* at all

Stewart: um, what?

Feith: look after 9/11 George Bush decided the best way to prevent another 9/11 was to invent a case against Iraq because he once tried to his daddy

Stewart: why didn't you focus on diplomacy?

Feith: we tried that - it was a lovely nanosecond

Feith: diplomacy failed when Saddam let the inspectors in and we realized he was not serious about war and cheated by agreeing to our demands

Stewart: but you lied

Feith: we had to lie because after 9/11 we need to prevent another 9/11 by attacking coutries before they ever thought of attacking us

Stewart: don't you see how immoral that kind of lying is

Feith: no i really don't

Stewart: well fuck off ya fuckin war criminal