*******************************************
60 Minutes
April 6, 2008
Guest: Doug Feith
*******************************************
Kroft: why did we invade iraq?
Feith: Saddam had a very scary mustache
Kroft: but he wasn't involved in 9/11
Feith: but he could have been
Kroft: but he wasn't
Feith: but he could have
Kroft: but he wasn't
Feith: we had to attack someone
Kroft: so why Saddam?
Feith: he once attacked Iran
Kroft: you're fucking kidding right
Feith: it's ‘anticipatory self defense’
Kroft: i think hitler did that to poland in 1939
Feith: exactly
Kroft: you all said we were about to be attacked
Feith: no we didn't
Kroft: [ plays endless clips of people in the Administration saying that ]
Feith: oh that - that was all the CIA's fault
Feith: we shouldn't have focused on WMD
Kroft: dood that's the whole reason we invaded!!
Feith: oh no we attacked for a whole other reason
Kroft: which was??
Feith: to help Osama bin Laden and get us bogged down in a civil war and ruin our reputation
Kroft: really?!?!?
Feith: no - just kidding
Kroft: but all that really happened!
Feith: and we saw it all coming
Kroft: jesus christ then why invade??
Feith: Bush was salivating at the idea of a parade
Kroft: the war has been a disaster
Feith: ok we didn't realize there would be an insurgency
Kroft: you were asleep in the 20th century were you?
Kroft: you didn't have enough troops
Feith: i don't know what is my own book sorry
Kroft: you are the stupidest fucking man on earth
Feith: heh i wish i had a dime for every time i heard that
Kroft: worst decision ever??
Feith: disband the Iraqi military
Kroft: you signed off on that
Feith: no i never did
Kroft: did rumsfeld?
Feith: i don't know we were too busy banning abortion in Iraq
Kroft: you're an idiot - what are you doing now?
Feith: teaching at Georgetown
Feith: if Bush had listened to me and put Chalabi in charge things would have been fine
Kroft: General Franks says you're the dumbest mother fucker on the planet
Feith: ah - but not Venus or Mars, right
Kroft: people seem to hate you
Feith: they are just pissed because i faked intelligence to trick america in to war
Kroft: oh so just whining
Kroft: was the Iraq war was the right thing to do?
Feith: given bush is an idiot then yes
Kroft: yes or no
Feith: yes the war was a terrific idea
[scrubs hands furiously]
Kroft: i don't think that blood will come out big guy
Feith: dammit dammit dammit
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Hardball with Chris Matthews with Barack Obama
******************************************************
Hardball with Chris Matthews
April 2, 2008
Guest: Sen. Barack Obama
***********************************************
Matthews: Welcome to my Exclusive Interview with the Next President!!
Matthews: hello Obama - you suck at bowling
Obama: clearly i do you fat white looser
Matthews: you’re black so you’re good at basketball
Obama: i'm only half black so i only shoot from half court
Matthews: are you as tough as dick cheney?
Obama: heh that fat draft dodging loser? i aim higher than that
Matthews: but dick cheney is so presidential -- he hates human beings so much he shoots them
Obama: yeah ignoring the voters makes you tough
Matthews: but you’re skinny you look like you can’t fight
Obama: i'm from Chicago - fuck that shit
Matthews: do you hate america and will your surrender to brown people
Obama: i was right about the war and dick cheney drinks human blood
Matthews: but the war is lovely this time of year
Obama: fuck that shit and damm Hillary for voting for it
Matthews: but we are americans kicking foreign ass!!!!
Obama: you're a mission creep
Matthews: but the surge is working!!!!
Obama: hey dood the puppet regime we installed is linked to our great enemy Iran - face it bush is one dumb motherfucker
Matthews: but the brown terrorists!!
Obama: which i intend to kill
Matthews: is hillary McClinton?
Obama: no i just pointed out what McCain said which is that we will stay in Iraq for 100 years
Matthews: well why not?
Obama: we could spend that on college scholarships and on bottled water for all MSNBC employees
Matthews: i love it!
Matthews: we have lost a lot of jobs in Pennsylvania
Obama: who the fuck is 'we' Nantucket-boy?
Matthews: hah!
Obama: face it boys the jobs are gone and they ain't comin' back
Matthews: springsteeen bitches!
Obama: I was born in the usa!
Matthews: the crisis of 2009 is bill clinton's fault!!
Obama: well of course
Matthews: what’s solution to the economic slump?
Obama: green jobs fathead
Audience: college funding dood
Obama: I favor Pell grants and credit for national service like help the homeless or teh peas core
Matthews: heh i was in teh peas core
Obama: eliminate teh middle man like sally mae
Audience: I hate that bitch
Audience: Pastor Right dood
Obama: i used to pray for a new BMW and now I pray for Chris Matthews to develop a terrible mental disease
Matthews: hah too late!
Obama: let god be god and me be me
Question: Senator what's your stance on teacher merit pay
Obama: it's fucking stupid - teaching to teh test is moronic
Matthews: i love it!
Matthews: what if al qaeda tries to fly a plane in to teh capitol at 3:00!?!
Obama: so what - there's no one in the capitol at 3:00 am
Matthews: people like me would be
Obama: again so what?
Matthews: but the brown scary people!
Obama: JFK showed restraint and i want to cool and cautious and get laid a lot like him
Matthews: yur awesome
Obama: i will attack Pakistan to get Osama
Matthews: never heard of him
Matthews: how do you clean out the corrupt executive branch??
Obama: gee i don't maybe run for President
Matthews: but that's scary
Obama: I will create a culture of truth baby
Matthews: but the CIA kills people
Obama: so do i dood
Matthews: you're scary
Obama: i'm black and i'm from chicago i'm not afraid of the striped pants ivy league twits at teh CIA
Matthews: Barama what's it like to have a white mother who loves you?
Obama: it’s great american melting pot dood
Matthews: ooh Schoolhouse Rock!
Obama: i've got family members who are pasty and some who are black and they all agree Bush is a motherfucker
Matthews: you're like that kid in Soul Man - you're a white guy who learned what it's like to be black
Obama: C. Thomas Howell inspired me to go to Harvard Law School
Matthews: you wanted to defeat Russian invaders?
Obama: no i wanted to nail Rae Dawn Chong
Matthews: Clinton using dog whistles to call out the Rev Right dogs?
Obama: of course they are - meanwhile 4,000 people are dead - the planet is melting and america is the shitter
Matthews: so let's talk more about rev Right and why didn't you fuck him over?
Obama: because MSNBC is a tv network full of repressed white catholic racists
Matthews: but he's controversial!
Obama: didn't i see you sexually harass Erin Burnett?
Matthews: it was all in fun dood!
Matthews: you have will power like Bush - you stopped smoking!
Obama: yeah yeah yeah
Matthews: smokers stand up!
Obama: oh lord - why didn't i stick with a substantive show like "The View"??
Matthews: do you ever think “holy shit this is ridiculous”
Obama: only when i watch your show jackass
Question: gay marriage!?
Obama: sure - but not for another generation
Matthews: why not?
Obama: because of repressed twits like you dood
Matthews: inner city schools!
Obama: answer is pre-pre pre-K, like reading to kids in teh womb
Matthews: what books can a zygote read?
Obama: something juvenile like "Life's a Campaign"
Question: what else?
Obama: apprenticeship in the trades
Matthews: what is this - the middle ages?
Obama: hey it's that or drugs and jail
Matthews: what if you end the primaries have more delegates?
Obama: that's called being the winner stupid
Matthews: but the superdelegates could vote against you
Obama: well those people would be motherfuckers wouldn't they
Matthews: so supers should vote for you if you have more votes, delegates and states
Obama: if they deny me the nominaton my black fans and white supporters will rise and take this motherfuckin' country by force
Matthews: i love it! thanx for coming
Obama: no thank u crazy man
******************************************************
Hardball with Chris Matthews
April 2, 2008
Guest: Sen. Barack Obama
***********************************************
Matthews: Welcome to my Exclusive Interview with the Next President!!
Matthews: hello Obama - you suck at bowling
Obama: clearly i do you fat white looser
Matthews: you’re black so you’re good at basketball
Obama: i'm only half black so i only shoot from half court
Matthews: are you as tough as dick cheney?
Obama: heh that fat draft dodging loser? i aim higher than that
Matthews: but dick cheney is so presidential -- he hates human beings so much he shoots them
Obama: yeah ignoring the voters makes you tough
Matthews: but you’re skinny you look like you can’t fight
Obama: i'm from Chicago - fuck that shit
Matthews: do you hate america and will your surrender to brown people
Obama: i was right about the war and dick cheney drinks human blood
Matthews: but the war is lovely this time of year
Obama: fuck that shit and damm Hillary for voting for it
Matthews: but we are americans kicking foreign ass!!!!
Obama: you're a mission creep
Matthews: but the surge is working!!!!
Obama: hey dood the puppet regime we installed is linked to our great enemy Iran - face it bush is one dumb motherfucker
Matthews: but the brown terrorists!!
Obama: which i intend to kill
Matthews: is hillary McClinton?
Obama: no i just pointed out what McCain said which is that we will stay in Iraq for 100 years
Matthews: well why not?
Obama: we could spend that on college scholarships and on bottled water for all MSNBC employees
Matthews: i love it!
Matthews: we have lost a lot of jobs in Pennsylvania
Obama: who the fuck is 'we' Nantucket-boy?
Matthews: hah!
Obama: face it boys the jobs are gone and they ain't comin' back
Matthews: springsteeen bitches!
Obama: I was born in the usa!
Matthews: the crisis of 2009 is bill clinton's fault!!
Obama: well of course
Matthews: what’s solution to the economic slump?
Obama: green jobs fathead
Audience: college funding dood
Obama: I favor Pell grants and credit for national service like help the homeless or teh peas core
Matthews: heh i was in teh peas core
Obama: eliminate teh middle man like sally mae
Audience: I hate that bitch
Audience: Pastor Right dood
Obama: i used to pray for a new BMW and now I pray for Chris Matthews to develop a terrible mental disease
Matthews: hah too late!
Obama: let god be god and me be me
Question: Senator what's your stance on teacher merit pay
Obama: it's fucking stupid - teaching to teh test is moronic
Matthews: i love it!
Matthews: what if al qaeda tries to fly a plane in to teh capitol at 3:00!?!
Obama: so what - there's no one in the capitol at 3:00 am
Matthews: people like me would be
Obama: again so what?
Matthews: but the brown scary people!
Obama: JFK showed restraint and i want to cool and cautious and get laid a lot like him
Matthews: yur awesome
Obama: i will attack Pakistan to get Osama
Matthews: never heard of him
Matthews: how do you clean out the corrupt executive branch??
Obama: gee i don't maybe run for President
Matthews: but that's scary
Obama: I will create a culture of truth baby
Matthews: but the CIA kills people
Obama: so do i dood
Matthews: you're scary
Obama: i'm black and i'm from chicago i'm not afraid of the striped pants ivy league twits at teh CIA
Matthews: Barama what's it like to have a white mother who loves you?
Obama: it’s great american melting pot dood
Matthews: ooh Schoolhouse Rock!
Obama: i've got family members who are pasty and some who are black and they all agree Bush is a motherfucker
Matthews: you're like that kid in Soul Man - you're a white guy who learned what it's like to be black
Obama: C. Thomas Howell inspired me to go to Harvard Law School
Matthews: you wanted to defeat Russian invaders?
Obama: no i wanted to nail Rae Dawn Chong
Matthews: Clinton using dog whistles to call out the Rev Right dogs?
Obama: of course they are - meanwhile 4,000 people are dead - the planet is melting and america is the shitter
Matthews: so let's talk more about rev Right and why didn't you fuck him over?
Obama: because MSNBC is a tv network full of repressed white catholic racists
Matthews: but he's controversial!
Obama: didn't i see you sexually harass Erin Burnett?
Matthews: it was all in fun dood!
Matthews: you have will power like Bush - you stopped smoking!
Obama: yeah yeah yeah
Matthews: smokers stand up!
Obama: oh lord - why didn't i stick with a substantive show like "The View"??
Matthews: do you ever think “holy shit this is ridiculous”
Obama: only when i watch your show jackass
Question: gay marriage!?
Obama: sure - but not for another generation
Matthews: why not?
Obama: because of repressed twits like you dood
Matthews: inner city schools!
Obama: answer is pre-pre pre-K, like reading to kids in teh womb
Matthews: what books can a zygote read?
Obama: something juvenile like "Life's a Campaign"
Question: what else?
Obama: apprenticeship in the trades
Matthews: what is this - the middle ages?
Obama: hey it's that or drugs and jail
Matthews: what if you end the primaries have more delegates?
Obama: that's called being the winner stupid
Matthews: but the superdelegates could vote against you
Obama: well those people would be motherfuckers wouldn't they
Matthews: so supers should vote for you if you have more votes, delegates and states
Obama: if they deny me the nominaton my black fans and white supporters will rise and take this motherfuckin' country by force
Matthews: i love it! thanx for coming
Obama: no thank u crazy man
******************************************************
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