David Axelrod - White House advisor
Sen. John McCain - (R-AZ)
Gregory: Dave did Obama achieve anything touring Asia?
Axelrod: Obama is out there fighting for American jobs Fluffy and he rejected a bad trade deal because it wasn't fucking good enough!
Gregory: what about those Bush tax cuts for the rich?
Axelrod: We can afford to borrow money to keep the tax cuts for the middle class but we can’t afford to borrow to keep the cuts for the wealthy
Gregory: but the rich have suffered so much
Axelrod: John McCain opposed those cuts and he was right
Gregory: can I get a compromise right now?
Axelrod: are you negotiating on behalf of the Republicans David?
Gregory: it saves time
Axelrod: I see
Gregory: is Obama open to compromise please??
Axelrod: dear god stop whining Fluffers
Gregory: is the President going to move to the right?
Axelrod: the message from the American people is they want us to act together and give them jobs
Gregory: I still hear you still fighting for liberals - dammit will you just stop and be conservative already!!
Axelrod: ok how about tax cuts for businesses?
Gregory: the Chairmen of the debt commission proposed a lot of pain and spending cuts which I hope will be very popular
Axelrod: no one wants cuts or higher taxes so this should be a lot of fun
Gregory: Is Obama willing to finally stop all this free money going to the elderly and sick?
Axelrod: the right-wing demagogues this issue
Gregory: [ grinning ] but you won’t even make any concessions on my tv show!!!
Axelrod: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: so did I
Axelrod: this is a dark cloud over us and we must make these cuts
Gregory: what about Rahm
Axelrod: he’s fucking crazy
Gregory: are we ever going to make progress in Afghanistan?
Axelrod: we need to train the Afghans to fight and love America which is tricky
[ break ]
Gregory: President McCain what would it take to satisfy you in Afghanistan?
McCain: it’s just a fact that we must never leave that far-away country or terrorists will here and cut our heads off
Gregory: but President Karzai doesn’t even want us there
McCain: he’s paranoid
Gregory: you’re calling him paranoid?
McCain: look the entire Afghan government is corrupt and Pakistan is harboring international terrorists
Gregory: these are arguments for staying there?
Gregory: what about gays in the military
McCain: Look we need a study that says gays are icky
McCain: we need a thorough and complete study to determine the if gay people cause cooties
Gregory: your wife called you a bigot - what did you say to her?
McCain: I only communicate with my wife through Twitter
Gregory: doesn’t military honor require not lying
McCain: the head of the marines has validated my bigotry!
Gregory: but what do you believe personally about gays?
McCain: look I met a soldier in Kandahar who has to sleep with all the men under him
McCain: these are petty officers!
Gregory: Indeed they are
Gregory: we have more tape of you on Meet The Press than anyone else
McCain: oh noes
Gregory: you blatantly flip-flopped on tax cuts on the rich
McCain: look this is a very different time - we now know what an incredible hypocrite I am
Gregory: what about the debt commission?
McCain: the American people have sent the message that they hate spending and want to send all of their money to the richest one-percent
Gregory: President Bush is peeved at you for not campaigning with him
McCain: I had to do it - Obama was trying to tie me Bush
Gregory: yes he tried to link you in the public’s mind
McCain: no he found us backstage and tied us up!
Gregory: my god - well that’s it until your 60th appearance
McCain: Ooh I hope I get a toaster
[ break ]
Gregory: Alan where are the jobs?
Greenspan: there are no construction jobs because we already built what we need and businesses are very uncertain about the future which we need to be certain about
Gregory: Newt you’re a failure and widely hated - tell us about world economics
Gingrich: all of this is Obama’s fault because he hate business
Ford: Newt is right that I should have been the first black President
Gingrich: um what
Ford: we should have a moratorium on regulations and accept all the debt commission recommendations
Gregory: Beth how can American thrive until we inflict more pain on homeowners
McLean: if the government stops involvement in housing there will be another crash
Greenspan: hey old white men are doing great
Gingrich: this debt commission report debate is stupid because we won’t cut social security
Gregory: but don’t we have to have an adult conversation that we must slash funding for the poor and give money to the rich??
Greenspan: the Congress will pass these recommendations because they must or bond traders will have a sad
McLean: we are headed to a huge crisis
Gregory: I’m just a talk show host but we must raise the retirement age!! [ sobs ]
Ford: Newt Gingrich is a close friend and handsome man - why can’t he lead the Democrats to cut social security ??
Gingrich: this stupid chairmen’s plan is a step backwards because it’s a hurtful proposal from bunch of rich people who won’t be affected by their own recommendations
Gregory: gee that’s what I liked about it
Gregory: [ shows tape of people rioting in Europe ]
look at this horrible social unrest just because poor people see all the benefits going to the rich
Ford: I love the Tea Party because they realize that we must eliminate Social Security for young and poor people
Gregory: Newt does Obama have the guts to slash Medicare?
Gingrich: I fear government workers in Albany will riot
Gregory: over cuts in salaries?
Gingrich: Lack of parking
Gregory: should we cut the debt by extending tax cuts for the very rich?
Greenspan: yes - also the deficit is a real problem which is why we need to cut entitlements
McLean: those tax cuts sure didn’t provide jobs
Gregory: only 8 million were lost
McLean: We’re running out of time - the bond will take their balls and go home and then we will have no balls!
Gregory: what if the government gets out of the mortgage business?
Greenspan: home prices get lower and we will have to foreclose on 8 million people which will be necessary but exhausting
Gregory: Newtie will you run for President please
Gingrich: yes but first I must create a movement for insanity
Gregory: I’m torn between you and Sarah Palin
Gingrich: true - also there’s heavyweights Huckabee, Romney and Barbour
Gregory: Don’t forget my new best buddy - Bobby Jindal - squee!!!