Obama Press Conference
June 23, 2009
Obama: Ok I want to say at the outset that of course I condemn the psychotics beating protestors in Iran and there is a retrograde group of knuckleheads who want to claim the US is interfering in the Iran and inciting violence and seize their country and overthrow their government - I am talking of course about the Republican party
Now I also want to talk about something equally controversial - windows and windmills - let me give a shout out to Waxman and Dingell and that guy on the agricultural committee
AG guy: woo hoo that’s me
Obama: and thirdly of course I want to talk about health care and how it can be free if we just stop giving out those free pens to doctors and lollipops for ever child?? I don’t fucking think so!
Now I know many Americans are happy that they have any health insurance at all, but you should know eventually health care costs will exceed the entire federal budget and then the sun will go nova and swallow up the earth
Q: will you still talk to Iran what with all the killing?
Obama: well sure it looks bad but I don't hate the Persians or their wacky religion all I want is for them to pull their godamm heads out of their asses
Nico: i have a question from a genuine Iranian - when do plan on betraying the brave Iranians?
Obama: whoa hold on there Nico - I didn't observe the election and it's not for the U.S. to say who won
Obama: but look if you want to know who won an election you don’t look to see who has the best bat-wielding motorcycle riding maniacs
Mel Gibson: shit!
Q: Grade the Fed for me
Obama: I won't say anything bad about Bernanke - however he is a idiot and this is all his fault
Q: oh ok then
Obama: since then he has done a good job of taking the heat for me so that's good
Obama: hells my dog Bo got a credit card with a $5,000 limit!
Obama: I know! I'm not paying for his night out on the town with some bitch he met on Petfinder!
Obama: if we had more laws in place before maybe this wouldn't have goddamm well happened!
Q: what took you so long to express your meaningless outrage about an election in a far-off country where we have a history of illegal interference?
Obama: because I'm not a total dumbass and didn't want to give the Iranian government ammunition!
Q: that's Reagan's job
Q: will you still invite Iranian officials over for the 4th of July?
Obama: if they want to - I'm serving hot dogs and beer
Q: Will a public plan destroy America?
Obama: Look dipshit premiums are doubling every 9 years - at this rate they will swallow the whole planet!
Obama: oh I know everyone is worried about the deficit - well guess what fuckers it's because we have really high costs and a shitty system with 47 million uninsured
Obama: i want to cut costs, treat people, and spend money efficiently
Q: like how?
Obama: like take it away from insurance companies who waste it on trips to Vegas - yeah i said it Goodman!
Obama: jesus h christ you've got people out there who think they are insured and suddenly they're out 50,000 motherfuckin dollars!
Obama: so I'm talking about disciplining those fucking insurance companies - I'm gonna get medieval on their asses!
Obama: I mean why not offer people the choice of care that fucking members of Congress get!!
Q: but that will drive private bloodsuckers out of business
Obama: well fuck if they can't compete with the government who they say can't do anything right then maybe they fucking suck
Chip: My friend Lindsay says you are timid and weak and John McCain says you are gay
Obama: what do you think Chippy?
[ full bore glare]
Obama: Lindsay said i was weak? that fish writsted freak?
Obama: Look I'm the fuckin’ President and Lindsay is a big baby and by the way if I took the side of the protestors the regime would say there were being paid by the CIA
Chip: so what you said just now helps the regime!
Obama: oh fuck off
Todd: aren't you surrendering to the regime?
Obama: hey i know you have the attention span of a puppy on crack but I don't - next question!
J-Tapp: will you sign a public plan or not?
Obama: that's your fucking question?
J Tappp: no I have another
Obama: who the fuck are you Tip Tap the ombudsman?
Tapp: ok Spock won't you drive poor little businesses out?
Obama: don't snark me dood
Obama: Look we all know insurers only have one job - take your money today and tell your to fuck off tomorrow
But look if you believe in the free market and then what the fuck are you worried about?
Tapp: but you promised that employers would keep health insurance forever
Obama: no I never did
Tapp: i know that
Q: you signed an anti-smoking bill - will the bill you signed stop you from smoking?
Obama: oh i see you think you're very clever
Q: no it's a serious question
Obama: no it wasn't and you know it - Macarena!
Macarena: talk to me about Chile
Obama: i like mine with beans, meat, and a lot of heat
Q: no the country
Obama: oh that - hey Chile may bail out California which would be awesome
Obama: well that's very different - their President has the full Brazilian which is very cool
Hans: do we need another stimulus?
Obama: hey I've said it before - no on knew just how shitty Bush's economy was and we still haven't recovered
Obama: my stimulus is working and it will keep working but we are after all in a little Depression
Now I watch Chris Matthews moan about poll numbers and I say hey fucker we're doing everything we can but I don't blame people for being unhappy - I mean just look at Jon and Kate - this is a tough time in America!
April: black Americans are living through a real Depression dood if you won't help who will!?
Obama: Pete Hoekstra's never wins at video poker so he knows how they feel
Obama: but never fear we are training young people to text and e-mail
Suzanne: did you see the video of Neda??
Obama: yeah it's not as much fun as all the cat videos on YouTube
Suzanne: will you let people in Iran vote?
Obama: i support freedom of speech unlike some previous administrations I could mention - but this is about Iran not America and as Martin Luther King said the Justice League will prevail!